| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|11:02 pm] |
what i need versus what i crave. |
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| such a sucker. |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|01:01 am] |
what was once right in front of our faces was buried underneath months of sand, now being sifted through the gaps of your pale fingertips and falling behind you. the stale taste in my mouth matches the remnants of my waterlogged heart you've been unintentionally searching to find. i was a fool to get sucked into the undertows of anyone else's but yours. i've been sucked in and spit back out so many times that it hurts my head, when all this time it could of been you instead. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2009|03:38 pm] |
"And I know you don't know what I'm capable of, but in time you will taste all the salt in my lungs" |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2009|11:12 pm] |
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i miss so many things from the past. i want to go back. i'm so lonely.. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2009|10:30 pm] |
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my bones are made from the sticks in the sand and you were the gust of wind big enough to knock me over. and over and over. and now you're just the chain around my ankle that's telling me to please don't go, keeping my legs from taking me as far away as they can. i'm searching for my sanity in an ocean of wasted time. dissolved and crashing over me, again and again and again. i can't hold my breath for skin and bones that don't feel right next to mine anymore. |
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| Intricacy. |
[Apr. 20th, 2009|08:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Album Leaf | ] |
i'm half unconscious in my sleep, while paranoia stems itself straight into my head. reoccurring dreams of drowning and losing you again till i finally wake up sweating in a giant puddle of black ink. there's words written on every inch of my parchment skin, running in streams beneath me. outlines of where your fingerprints should be all down my spine. i lose consciousness again and then i'm falling to the bottom of so many seas in search of your worn out canvas heart. it ticks like a pocket watch missing it's hands, and it speaks the words on my skin. i'm patiently waiting and biting holes into my lips while you fill up your lungs. minutes falling into hours falling into days of waiting and waiting till i can fill up the spaces of your inbetweens and exchange the knots in my stomach for knotted limbs.
i need summer and changes and to be loved. i'm deprived of all the good feelings. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2009|11:39 am] |
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Everything I feel is only in my head. |
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| Cast Away, Castaway. |
[Feb. 8th, 2009|03:18 pm] |
i once lived as an abandoned ship. there was only an ocean between me and where i needed to be, only an ocean between you and i. my hungry heart is the helm steering my way into your arms, wherever they are. all i want is to swim into those arms, dive off the edge i've been on for so long straight into them. but you've given me such little clue and i haven't a map, no direction in which to go. just my true sailors instinct and my dark eyes open wide. i will go as far as i have to go, sail for as long as i have to. for you. for you. for only you. and i'm feeling you nearer with each breathe of mine that i see in front of me. exhaling from my lungs that you've taken over, only getting heavier and heavier. till you're all that i'll breathe, all that i'll see in this cold foggy air. and the only thing that's keeping me from drowning, is the water beneath me, the remains of my dissolving day dreams of your underwater eyes. there is just something out here that tells me we could fit together so well. that if i am a ship, then you are the sails. |
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| Just A Vent.. |
[Jan. 24th, 2009|12:43 pm] |
i am not fucking strong enough to handle all of the shit i get myself into, thinking i'll be able to handle it in the longrun. cracked and pieces of me chipping away, that is what i feel like. what i always fucking feel like. all i do is cry. all i do is lay in bed. and everything i do, i do it alone. i'm alone, so. fucking. alone. if i even had more than one real friend, i lost them all a long time ago. and relationships? right. if someone could tell me what the fuck is sooo wrong with me, that every single fucking time i'm foolish enough to think maybe i'll have something real, i find out that all i was, was just your little placeholder until someone else came along, that would be fantastic. i know exactly what i want, but i suffer, because none of you or anyone else knows what they want. all you blind, inconsistent people and your taking for granted and your reckless abandonment. i just want to be all that someone wants, all that someone needs. not some puppet on strings. i need to be needed. i feel crazy. and even if it is all in my head, it's getting way too heavy for me to carry anymore. |
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| Lone. |
[Jan. 13th, 2009|07:47 pm] |
I've been carrying around this anchor tight between my arms, in fear that i might drop it somewhere it doesn't belong. but deep in my head there's a cave that i followed that led me straight to your bed. i saw you notice my grip growing weak and my stomach uneasy, from wandering around for far too long. i am an orphan without a home and if you asked, oh i swear i would stay. drop this weight right here at your bedside, this place where your eyelashes kiss. and now the thin thread i used to hang by, is wrapped tightly around your index finger, in knots you subconsciously tied. loop and pull for every hour of sleep you stole. and when i look outside, the sky turns from gray to blue but it all looks the same at night, when i wake up and i'm drowning in my own bed, the covers pulled around me tight and my heartbeat spots speaking too loud with your name echoing off my deep blue walls. i'm trapped, a ship in a bottle and oh, if you could just set me free.
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| Fooled. |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|01:57 am] |
Once upon a time, you set me free. I took you to my heart, the heart of the ocean where it's always blue and you whispered in my ear, "Don't be foolish, you only know as far as those arms of yours can reach. Selfish little girl, you can't steal the ocean. You can't have it all to yourself." And the wind blew your hair back as I watched the tides through your eyes. But if I wasn't watching you walk away now from the coast, a tiny black figure in the early morning fog, maybe I would have had the chance to tell you that it was the only thing I could find big enough to take your place. Then I'd turn around and watch the tides through my own eyes, ignore your footprints blowing over. I was never really drowning over you, I simply got lost in the currents. |
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| Second Hand. |
[Dec. 13th, 2008|12:21 pm] |
You breathed me in so close like the smoke from the cigarette in your mouth, placed in between that perfect set of parallel magnets, and then you exhaled me and the cold blew me away and I faded into the air. It's sad and it's pathetic how I'm trying so hard to breathe you back into me, but I never learned the habit. That plane finally took flight and brought me back home. Now I'm at peace with the falling snow, covering up what I felt for you with blankets of white. Fill up the gaps of where you went missing and it is all I have to keep me warm at night. And it used to be you, it used to be you. And you, you gave me the sweetest dreams and I'd tangle myself up inside of them. Then you woke me up so abrubtly shuffling around to put all your things in a brown leather suitcase, you looked up once but never looked back and you slammed the door behind you. And I let myself fall apart in my place and the bed that once held my shape, it couldn't hold me anymore and I seeped out onto the bedroom floor. Now I'm slowly forgetting all the details, every little thing that happened while I was foolishly lucid dreaming myself into another hole I cannot escape from. But it's nice down here; I don't have to worry. I look up into the pale blue winter sky and wonder, and at night while I'm shivering cold I stare at constellations and think how a little company would be nice. I let out a little sigh and it just starts all over again. Inhale Exhale Inhale Exhale. |
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| Winter Sun. |
[Dec. 2nd, 2008|06:56 pm] |
Watching from fogged up windows, the winter sun lighting up your dark eyes and the first snowfall that's washing away every feeling you tried to avoid, every night you woke up in a cold sweat. cold spells are all you know now, warming up your heart with promises of a new beginning while your shaking in your place. stare up into the sky and you envy the birds flying as far away from here as they possibly can,
wishing that they would just take you with and wishing even more that you could be the coast that lines his sea, now frozen over to match his heart. so hollow that it sunk and if you tried to dive in after it to find out with whom it truly lies, you would only slip and fall for him. just one more time, it's nothing new. cracking the surface of that icy sea to match the cracks in your dignity. but what if i told you that it would all be okay, that there were such things as airport terminals and reunions and "the most wonderful time of the year"?
what if i told you that there was such thing as a beautiful unique snowflake, and that it was only a flight away. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2008|05:51 pm] |
I hope everyone had a good thankgiving break.
I definitely did :)
( pictures ) |
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| Homeeee. |
[Nov. 29th, 2008|10:20 pm] |
i'm feeling you closer with each minute that goes by, and i'm finally here, and here is everything i couldn't wait for. i brace myself and my mind starts rewinding and fast forwarding past every day that you were gone and i needed you most, as i start running down your long driveway in the slowest motion. start with saying goodbye at your back door three long months ago. past being vulnerable and getting my heart broken left and right. past never leaving my bed and crying in my spare time. past all the times i was tossing and turning at night, past every morning that i didn't want to leave my bed. past nervous breakdowns from being taken for granted and not being good enough for anyone. past getting up for the letdown time after time again. past my head living in the confines of my hands and not being able to stand a thing. past everyone leaving me and past having nothing real. past feeling completely empty, all of the time. and stop when i'm hugging you again at your back door and can't help but cry. and all i'm thinking is, this is real this is real this is real, this is really real and my heart is melting and it's taking every minute up till now with it until this all that i know. and all i know is, this is real. and it's the realest thing i've got. |
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| Happy Thanksgiving. |
[Nov. 27th, 2008|10:17 pm] |
i am thankful for ryan edward shaules, courtney being my rock in life, music, my family and the friends that have always been there for me, nighttime, airplanes, the opportunities i've had, love, pizza and coca cola, books, internet, the holidays, all the memories i have, and johnny depp.
:) |
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| Ready. |
[Nov. 16th, 2008|10:55 am] |
the cold has set my heart in place, set on you and only you. there was never a chance, not enough time for everything, and remembering only draws blanks bigger than the ones in my stare. all i want is to just fill them up with you till i'm overflowing. because well, there's nothing really going for me. i'm living for holiday breaks and the rare occasion that i'm far from home. loving you is the only thing that's..oh, i don't know, constant? yeah, constant.
listen, i stopped caring about everything a long time ago, and the last thing i care about right now is what i should or should not be doing. i just want to feel my heart sink into my knees again for the right reasons, just want to kiss you again and for you to hold me and to not feel like i was second best. not feel like at any moment you could just let go ..again. |
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| Never Mind. |
[Nov. 2nd, 2008|03:20 pm] |
once again, this is it. one more notch on my bedpost, one more notch i never wanted to be there. this time especially. nothing ever lasts, no one ever finishes what they start. eventually everything crumbles down and anything that remains slides down my cheeks until there's nothing left to cry about, but there's always something to cry about. funny how one minute something can mean so much and then mean so little the next, especially when it's all out of your hands. this just keeps on happening, only this time it's myself that i hate. i'm bare and you'll see through me, just push me off to the side. out of sight, out of mind.
let me swim the ocean currents back into your heart, wait for you regain consciousness and be my anchor once again.
gotta get over it.
only 24 more days of just existing until ryan comes home and then i'll forget what all this feels like.
until he leaves again and then it's round two. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2008|11:17 pm] |
My life, right now, can be summed up in all these songs.
From Where You Are - Lifehouse
Can't Let Go - Landon Pigg
Devotion and Desire - Bayside
An Attempt To Tip The Scales - Bright Eyes
Come To Me - Jesse McCartney
The End Of All We Know - Greenley Estates
Hello, I'm In Delaware - Dallas Green
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
The Dead Person Breathed On Me! - Forgive Durden
Enderly - Balance Problems
Part Of My Past - Daphne Loves Derby
My Heart Will Find Rest - Chase Coy
Waste My Time - Bedlight For Blue Eyes
All Or Nothing - Stages and Stereos
Sunrise, Sunset - Bright Eyes
Lime Tree - Bright Eyes
Loose Leaves - Bright Eyes
Take Me Away - Chase Coy
Teenage Skin - I Was A Cub Scout |
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